Wonder

I wonder why I gorge myself on likes and views feeding on the opinions of girls and dudes but still feel so starved of attention.

While the tension between my online friends flows as thick as the bad blood that clots up our friendships and never gets dissolved in a group chat which quickly turns into a heart attack where every heart is attacked and backed into a corner. Fight or flight. Raised up or dropped down in their sight. Just might be the butt of their jokes unless I hit back with the punchline first.

But I wonder who thought it would be a good idea to put the cyber bullies in a box in my pocket so they could follow me home with a ringtone of despair and jump out to scare me whenever they feel like it. With their words like knives that deepen the wounds from the lies, piercing like the cries I let out in silence.

I wonder why I can never exPress my feelings without getting dePressed by the ones I’m concealing that get rePressed in an attempt to protect me from my past. Only to come up again later. I don’t ADdress the problem I just REdress the wounds full of shrapnel and broken glass and head back out to school.

I wonder why I fight to get respect from people I don’t respect and why I don’t expect that if I neglect my direction to pass their inspection the only connection I’ll feel is with regret. Why do I care so much what they think when I think that they’re wrong? About everything. Trapped in a prison of opinions with social laws like iron bars around my every thought and action.

I wonder why my public life hides secret addictions like a stray I brought home

Stealing from the kitchen to feed this desire that I don’t understand

But it grows til its strong enough to latch on to my hand.

I wonder why I’ve lost that sense of wonder I had when I was a little kid and the world seemed so big and full of excitement and adventure.

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